“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” preach, Flannery O'Connor! i couldn’t have said it better myself! i have been a hot mess lately, more so than usual…an emotional wreck. granted i am smiling 95% of the time i’m hurting so bad inside…physically, mentally, and emotionally.
after my post about living with endometriosis i got a massive amount of support and feedback from family, friends, and the community of readers; it was a wonderful feeling. But of course me being me I felt guilty; I didn't want people to feel sorry for more I just needed to vent and write it out for my sanity. I'm really in denial when it comes to what I'm dealing with. On a physical level I'm so used to the pain that I act as if I'm not in any and then mentally I ignore and feel guilty for complaining which in turn means I'm internalizing the pain and fear and that equals me a hot ass mess.
So as a result of my post a few people actually went to seek help from a doctor about symptoms they had that were similar to mine and two of the ladies ended up discovering they too had endometriosis. In fact one found an amazing doctor (with a 4 month wait list!) that specialized in pelvic pain so I went ahead and booked an appointment. Lucky me they called me to come in last week because someone cancelled! The days leading up to the appointment I was extremely anxious, emotional and restless; falling asleep was damn near mission impossible and when I finally fell asleep I ended up waking up with a racing heart. Finally, I got to the appointment with my mom by my side obviously and was there for 3 hours. First I was stuck filling out a massive questionnaire that included questions about my emotions, sex drive, pain levels, sleep habits and a million other things! Directly after that I finally went in to meet with the doctor to basically review my answers then it was time for the appointment.
This is where i break down, like right now I'm breaking down, I'm in tears as I type this because I relive the pain just thinking about it. I'm going to keep it very real and give details...just a heads up. I'm laying in the bed with my legs propped up on those things that look like something out of a horror movie (or x rated film, your call). First up, he presses around outside and already I'm cringing but that part is a piece of cake compared to what's to come. First he takes his fingers and just feels inside but the outer surface so not deep at all but even the touch of his fingers is painful so he grabs a long q tip looking thing to spare me some pain (for now!). He takes the very q tip thin tool and touches the outer surface again and again I cringe then he starts to go a little deeper and touches all sides now I'm biting my own hand because the pain is becoming too much to handle then he goes all the way in and I die I'm literally in tears. He stops and gives me some time to breathe and tells me it's ok to curse...wonderful! Now it's time for the big dogs...he pulls out the machine they use for sonograms (looks like a penis kind of sort of...work with me here!) the camera to take a look inside. you already know that I lost it crying, cursing, biting, holding my breath! but i just kept saying "jacq you need to get through this to fix the problem" so i sucked it up and let him finish his exam. when he was done i wanted to just lay there and cry but my anxiety kicked my pain in the ass and got dressed and ran to find out the immediate results...

the results are in...i suffer from: premenstrual dysphoric disorder, severe pelvic floor muscle spasm, and endometriosis

with that i need surgery asap...fertility sparing radical removal of endometriosis (wtf does that mean?! let me pull out my notes): they are going to scrape or burn the endometriosis out of me, remove my appendix in case it spreads, open my fallopian tubes and sever the nerve from the pelvic

well that's a mouth full and a hell of a lot of information to take in! so my surgery is scheduled for january 15th i was going to postpone but after getting ripped a new one by my family it's going to stay on january 15th. i'm a fucking mess, i cry every night...because i'm scared, because i'm frustrated, because i don't know what the hell is going on and because i feel bad for feeling all of those ways. but i am the luckiest girl in the world because my support system is unreal! my mom is an angel, she has never left my side and makes sure that everything is taken care of, with her i know everything will be okay. my sister, she's my rock the toughest gal i know; that girl loves me to death and i couldn't live without her she shows me support by acting like this is all nothing at all and that i need to have babies just so i don't worry! my boyfriend, patience is his first middle and last name that guy deals with me 24/7 and never turns his back; he deals with me at my ugliest and still treats me like i'm the light of his life. my grandparents, they just love the shit out of me and that's all i can ask for. my manitas, they are constantly checking in and forcing me to vent because they know i love to internalize to save people from hearing my story!

well that's that, thanks again for letting me vent. just an fyi this one was too much for me to write so there is absolutely no spelling or grammar check involved! ox!

it’s not often that i take anything too serious, but when it comes to my health i have no choice but to. for years i have been living with endometriosis, a health disorder that unfortunately affects more than 5 million women in america. every woman has very different symptoms, while some will never know they had the disorder others don’t go a day without a reminder they suffer from it.

the discovery:

in college i had very irregular periods; it lasted 7-10 days and came sooner than every 28 days, so i basically always had my period. oh the joy! when i went home for christmas break i told my mother about my never ending period so she took me to the gyno to get checked out. (side note my mother told me i was going to see dr. kim, thank goodness because i didn’t want a guy doctor all up in my lady business, but when i get to the office i found out dr. kim was an asian male. thanks mom!) dr. kim did a pap smear and discovered i had abnormal cells (which doesn’t mean too much) so i had to go back in three months for another exam just to make sure everything was ok. in the mean time dr. kim put me on birth control to regulate my period which ended up being a fail because i always forgot to take those stupid pills. three months later i went in for the follow up exam and the results were the same, this cycle continued for a solid two years. a few years later i found myself a boy and well we started doing it! what should be an enjoyable activity turned out to be god awful, not because of him but because i would be in so much pain (and no it wasn’t because he was an “animal” in the sack). at this point i decided to see another gyno, one who was closer to my office and who came highly recommended. it was during my first visit with my new gyno that i heard the word endometriosis for the first time. i didn’t have a real understanding for the term but i knew that it had something to do with “shedding, scar tissue, and uterus” and i also knew there was no way to find out someone had endometriosis unless surgery was done. since surgery wasn’t an option for my doctor or me she decided to prescribe me medication for other illness so that we could rule them out. huh? yup! every 2 weeks or so my doctor would give me a medication to treat something that my symptoms matched if the medicine worked (never did) we found our culprit if it didn’t we continued the search and endometriosis was still a suspect. after a year of this terrible mess (i hate medicine) and a really painful hanky panky session with my boy she decided it was time for surgery. she said i was too young to be in so much pain so we scheduled surgery for the following month. i shared the news with my boy and he asked me a million and one questions that i had no answers for and just like that i was off to get a second opinion “you can’t just go and get surgery without a second opinion!” (oops!). the next day i traveled 2 hours for a freaking second opinion, the doctor ran all sorts of test on me and sent me on my way. while at work the following day i received a call from the second opinion doctor’s office “jacqueline, we received your test results. we need you to come back to the office immediately.” my heart dropped, i started sweating, my face lost color, and i couldn’t stop shaking...and just like that i was right back at it, traveling 2 hours for results that couldn’t be discussed over the phone.

a traumatic experience:

turns out i had an infection that the previous doctor didn’t catch. an infection that i had been living with for a year untreated that severely damaged my reproductive organs! an infection that would have killed me had i gone through with the surgery. you see the infection was in the same area i was getting surgery and when they cut me for surgery the infection would have went through my blood stream and could have killed me! naturally i was freaked out as i nearly faced death! i went on antibiotics and within 2 weeks the infection was gone but the damage was done both physically and emotionally. for obvious reasons i never went back the doctor who almost killed me but i also couldn’t continue seeing the second opinion doctor (she was too far) so i went back to good ole dr kim. shortly after that traumatic experience my pain reached an all time high and dr kim said it was time for surgery.

surgery:

i went in for three things:

i had a retroverted uterus that had to be put back in place
they needed to go in with a microscope to see if i had endometriosis (which i did)
they had to scrape the built up scar tissue and remove it

i was scared shitless going into the surgery being only a few months prior i came close to near death experience. but the surgery was successful, thank god!

healing:

the healing process was pretty painful being they cut my abdominal area and my uterus area meaning i couldn’t stand up straight. also, i was extremely bloated because they had filled me with gas so i looked borderline pregnant. oh and did i mention i performed surgery the week of my birthday, so i was fat and sick for my birthday. but none the less surgery was successful. according to the doctors i wouldn’t feel the wrath of endometriosis for at least seven years!! seven years of a normal life, well at least physically see endometriosis never goes away, there is no cure it just kind of hides.

life after surgery:

oh my god! after i healed it was like i had a tummy tuck, seriously my stomach was the flattest it has ever been in my whole entire life (post puberty). i was rocking my tightest skirts and dresses for about two weeks because after that i was back to my sexy gut but whatever for those two weeks i was fab! and the pain? the pain was gone, life was good! no killer period cramps or crazy back pains, having sex was enjoyable rather than a death sentence. i was the happiest girl in the world until about 9 months later...yup, the pain came back. at first it was mild, so i thought maybe i was just going to have a bad period but it got worse as the days went by. mind you the surgery was supposed to give me a good seven years of freedom and normalcy. at this point you could image my frustration when it struck me again less than a year after surgery.

my life now:

right now, like as i type my life with endometriosis is a bitch! three years after the surgery i am in the most pain i’ve ever been. my lower back feels like two midgets are inside having a major wrestling match. it feels like my insides are being punched and pulled in every which direction and just when i think the pains is dying down...bam just like that i get an awful shock of pain that literally makes me scream. at 24 years old i was told i should consider “starting a family” because it would become more difficult as the years went on in my condition, but at 24 years old i was in no position to do that. but it hit me hard because at 24 i knew more than anything in this world i wanted a family of my own. now i’m nearing 27 and the chances are lower and the reality of it is realer and harder to deal with. imagine being told: yeah so you have this condition that is going to put you through immense pain, lower your chances of having a child, oh and there is no cure! what am i supposed to do with that information? my treatment options are: go through early menopause (which will completely rule out having a child), try getting pregnant right now (which i am not in any position to do), another surgery (which will diminish pain temporarily and lower my chances of having a child even more), or pain killers (to numb the pain). i’m a ball of emotions right now! my body is giving me hell, my heart aches at the thought of not having a family of my own, and my brain wants to ring someones neck because i cannot understand for the life of me how there is no cure!

right now i’m just having a moment of weakness, i usually have a much more positive attitude and outlook on my situation. i know where there is a will there is a way and i don’t care what it takes when i’m ready for a family i will have one! i will pray that there will one day be a cure for endometriosis, if it’s too late for me than for the young girl who it hits next.

i know i didn’t explain all to well what endometriosis is but it’s because it’s still hard for me to fully understand even after countless hours of research. here is some information to help give you a better understanding:

http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/endometriosis.cfm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/endometriosis/DS00289

sometimes when i'm smiling on the outside i'm hurting on the inside