“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” preach, Flannery O'Connor! i couldn’t have said it better myself! i have been a hot mess lately, more so than usual…an emotional wreck. granted i am smiling 95% of the time i’m hurting so bad inside…physically, mentally, and emotionally.
after my post about living with endometriosis i got a massive amount of support and feedback from family, friends, and the community of readers; it was a wonderful feeling. But of course me being me I felt guilty; I didn't want people to feel sorry for more I just needed to vent and write it out for my sanity. I'm really in denial when it comes to what I'm dealing with. On a physical level I'm so used to the pain that I act as if I'm not in any and then mentally I ignore and feel guilty for complaining which in turn means I'm internalizing the pain and fear and that equals me a hot ass mess.
So as a result of my post a few people actually went to seek help from a doctor about symptoms they had that were similar to mine and two of the ladies ended up discovering they too had endometriosis. In fact one found an amazing doctor (with a 4 month wait list!) that specialized in pelvic pain so I went ahead and booked an appointment. Lucky me they called me to come in last week because someone cancelled! The days leading up to the appointment I was extremely anxious, emotional and restless; falling asleep was damn near mission impossible and when I finally fell asleep I ended up waking up with a racing heart. Finally, I got to the appointment with my mom by my side obviously and was there for 3 hours. First I was stuck filling out a massive questionnaire that included questions about my emotions, sex drive, pain levels, sleep habits and a million other things! Directly after that I finally went in to meet with the doctor to basically review my answers then it was time for the appointment.
This is where i break down, like right now I'm breaking down, I'm in tears as I type this because I relive the pain just thinking about it. I'm going to keep it very real and give details...just a heads up. I'm laying in the bed with my legs propped up on those things that look like something out of a horror movie (or x rated film, your call). First up, he presses around outside and already I'm cringing but that part is a piece of cake compared to what's to come. First he takes his fingers and just feels inside but the outer surface so not deep at all but even the touch of his fingers is painful so he grabs a long q tip looking thing to spare me some pain (for now!). He takes the very q tip thin tool and touches the outer surface again and again I cringe then he starts to go a little deeper and touches all sides now I'm biting my own hand because the pain is becoming too much to handle then he goes all the way in and I die I'm literally in tears. He stops and gives me some time to breathe and tells me it's ok to curse...wonderful! Now it's time for the big dogs...he pulls out the machine they use for sonograms (looks like a penis kind of sort of...work with me here!) the camera to take a look inside. you already know that I lost it crying, cursing, biting, holding my breath! but i just kept saying "jacq you need to get through this to fix the problem" so i sucked it up and let him finish his exam. when he was done i wanted to just lay there and cry but my anxiety kicked my pain in the ass and got dressed and ran to find out the immediate results...
the results are in...i suffer from: premenstrual dysphoric disorder, severe pelvic floor muscle spasm, and endometriosis
with that i need surgery asap...fertility sparing radical removal of endometriosis (wtf does that mean?! let me pull out my notes): they are going to scrape or burn the endometriosis out of me, remove my appendix in case it spreads, open my fallopian tubes and sever the nerve from the pelvic
well that's a mouth full and a hell of a lot of information to take in! so my surgery is scheduled for january 15th i was going to postpone but after getting ripped a new one by my family it's going to stay on january 15th. i'm a fucking mess, i cry every night...because i'm scared, because i'm frustrated, because i don't know what the hell is going on and because i feel bad for feeling all of those ways. but i am the luckiest girl in the world because my support system is unreal! my mom is an angel, she has never left my side and makes sure that everything is taken care of, with her i know everything will be okay. my sister, she's my rock the toughest gal i know; that girl loves me to death and i couldn't live without her she shows me support by acting like this is all nothing at all and that i need to have babies just so i don't worry! my boyfriend, patience is his first middle and last name that guy deals with me 24/7 and never turns his back; he deals with me at my ugliest and still treats me like i'm the light of his life. my grandparents, they just love the shit out of me and that's all i can ask for. my manitas, they are constantly checking in and forcing me to vent because they know i love to internalize to save people from hearing my story!
well that's that, thanks again for letting me vent. just an fyi this one was too much for me to write so there is absolutely no spelling or grammar check involved! ox!