so i’m crazy, legit 100% something wrong with me! i want to say it’s a “girl thing” so i’m not in it

alone

but i don’t have the evidence to back it up other than 99% of my male friends telling me "girls are crazy". so again i’m crazy! the way i act with men you’d think i have serious daddy issues but i don’t i actually only have minor daddy issues that came to life about 5 years ago so i don’t think i fall into the daddy issue category. for the past year i have been “ready”:

ready for love
ready for a boyfriend,
ready for something serious
ready for something with some substance
ready for a consistent piece of ass (say something, i dare you!)
ready for more than a text message at valentine’s day
ready to prove to my grandfather that i will marry something other than a laptop or airplane (he has literally said that to me “you are going to marry a computer or an airplane”)

so last summer while most little girls were counting sheep to go to sleep i was chanting “i will open my heart to love, i will open my heart to love, i will open my heart to love...” with that i actually allowed myself to meet dudes and entertain dudes. entertain dudes you ask? it’s like fake dating. i would meet these dudes who caused fireworks to go off when i met them, it was lust at first sight and not lust for the dudes but lust for the entertainment.

i was in love with the game:

having to consult with at least two female friends and two male friends before replying to any text message even if it was “good morning”
- the anticipation of whether or not i would get a “goodnight” text
- never knowing when we would be hanging out again since everything was spontaneous never set plans
- waiting for it to end

don’t get me wrong i had a good time with these dudes but that’s where it started and ended a good time. they were all really awesome dudes who had a lot going for them and again were so much fun to hang out with but that was all. there was zero substance and i knew they weren’t “the one” it was the same game with each guy the only thing that changed was the player in the game. and i loved it! why? because it was safe! how? there was zero risk, zero commitment, i knew that it would end and not in heart break just fade away. crazy as fuck! "hi my name is jacqueline and i am ready for love but i will only date dudes who don't want commitment" oh and to add on to my craziness i play the "super cool chick" see i am super cool and chill (not in the i know how to twerk way obviously but in the "babe let's stay in and watch the game" way). but i take it to another level it's like i meet a dude i like and the first thing i say is "hi i'm not looking for a relationship, i don't want a boyfriend or anything" like wtf dude...yes you do! so why do i say that? oh because i'm fucking crazy!!

that is all thanks for letting me vent.

i wrote this post while in san francisco and found this antique skeleton key, kind of romantic it's like the key to my heart. but

knowing me i'll probably buy the wrong lock so no man ever can open it. asshole.

ox

jacqueline solivan