let's get personal, again. i recently received in an email from a male friend that i used to "talk to" or "entertain" whatever we want to call it today. here's what he had to say:
"Hi Jacqui, hope everything is well. You look great in all your pictures! I'm emailing you because, I want to ask you a question. I hope you can be honest. That long year and half while we were kind of circling around each other, why did you talk to me sometimes and then not, disappear and not answer texts etc? I have my own reasons and theories as to why but I was hoping to hear your side. And it's actually not really about you so much as it is about me because I recently learned that I was wrong about some stuff...so was just wondering."
normally i would see an email like this and run the other way, i absolutely hate confrontation and hurting people. but, on this particular day i was feeling like a big girl and decided to face the truth. i felt that i not only owed it to a former friend but to myself so i sat down, thought about it, and came up with the following response:
"hi! i was in a weird place i'm just now breaking out of it for the first time. for a very long time i was stuck on my ex even though we were broken up and he showed zero signs of wanting to get back with me, in fact he did the exact opposite and told me "move on i want nothing to do with you" lol i just made myself laugh! like dude how did i not get it? how was i still holding on lol! loca! i was holding on even though i didn't want to, i wanted to let go. hell, what fun was there in holding on? none! it was torture! but there really is a difference between your heart and mind and it's a bitch! one is smart and the other is dumb but you can't function without both. so since my head (the smart one) was like "this is stupid, let go he doesn't want you" i was going out attempting to "date" and put myself out there. but then the dumb one aka my heart was stuck in lala land i was never able to open up fully or give my all to anyone. it's a bitter sweet journey. bitter: i was hurt for a long time, i met a lot of great guys along the way (you def being one of them) who i most likely hurt, and i put myself through a lot of unnecessary bullshit with assholes. sweet: i'm over it, i moved on, i'm not hurt anymore, and i'm in a good place. the reason i even dealt with assholes during that time is because i knew i couldn't hurt them so it was easier for me. i'm actually a really nice person lol so i hate the thought of hurting someone especially someone who is a good person and who actually cares about me. the assholes were simply entertainment. i knew they wouldn't "fall" for me, that they wouldn't be around forever, and most importantly i couldn't hurt them. i'm really sorry for always going ghost but i was protecting myself but more so protecting you. i wasn't ready for anything and i know you weren't down on one knee asking for my hand in marriage lol but you were nice, you were a good guy and that was scary. hell who knows maybe if i would have opened up i would have scared the shit out of you and you would have become and asshole and i wouldn't have run away haha. i'm really glad you asked me that because it forced me to reflect and answer that question for myself, i feel like an adult...score!"
it really is true the heart take a long time to heal. even though a relationship ends it's not over right away, the person leaves but the feelings stay. but a word of advice for everyone don't confuse that natural process with "he (she) is the one", don't hold on to something that isn't there or someone who doesn't want to be there. it's called a breakup because it's broken!
