DISCLAIMER: I DID NOT SPELL CHECK OR GRAMMAR CHECK, IT TOOK ME 4 DAMN WEEKS TO WRITE THIS AND CHECKING WASN'T IN THE SCHEDULE NOR DID I HAVE THE BRAIN CAPACITY.
I still cannot believe that I am a momma, I cannot get over the fact that Miss Kennedy Kay is my daughter...I have a freaking daughter dude...what!!! While it is still surreal I sure as hell know it is real, I have a tiny little human to care for, my family is bigger by one, and the house full of more love and emotions.
Like everyone else, I heard "being a mom is no joke, it's hard work" and I for sure never doubted that; however, I had no idea what it really meant until Miss Kennedy joined us here at home (the hospital had round the clock nurses so I cannot lie and say I felt the same there as I did once we got home). The first two weeks I had my mom here to help me while Jack was at work (the downside of having your own business is no work = no money, so we had to make the hard decision and send his ass off to get that money! ) and that was a huge help because physically I wasn't able to move around like I would have liked.
PLEASE NOTE THAT I STARTED WRITING THIS 2 WEEKS AGO!!! I COULD NOT FOCUS FOR THE LIFE OF ME AND I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE PREOCCUPIED!
So the first week was a total high; not a worry in the world other than Miss Kennedy (since mom was taking care of the house all focus was on the baby). There was a bit of a hiccup going into the first weekend, I had a bit of a meltdown and ended up butting heads with my mom...that is never ever fun! I had one of my best friends coming to visit and stay the weekend which I was super excited about but I also had a few group of people that were planning on visiting that weekend as well and thinking about that made me freak out a bit. There were loads of laundry both hanging up to dry around the house and piles of folded clothes that needed to be put away and in my mind all I could think about was the "mess" and all the people that would be in the house that weekend. When my friend arrived Charlie went loca, she was so freaking excited my poor baby (Charlie) needed some TLC and went ape shit for it upon her arrival (that added to my built up anxiety that I was internalizing because I knew it was all good things: laundry, friends, family, baby, pup). My darling angelic mother came into the room with a puzzle for my friend's daughter to play with and I nearly lost it in my head (laundry, wild pup, new baby, a million guests visiting the following day, and now a 60 piece puzzle) and gave my mom "the look", the look that said "get the F out of here with that puzzle before she notices and before I lose my shit"...well that didn't go over too well. She didn't say anything she just gave me "the look", the look that said "I'm highly offended and disgusted by that total bitch move Jacqueline" and since my emotions were on a million I felt the need to address her in regards to "the look" she gave me...that didn't go over too well either (shocker)! Let's just say emotions were running high on both ends and we both ended up in tears...holy fucking dramatics I know but it's the truth.
(NOTE TO SELF WRITE ABOUT A POST ABOUT HOW YOU CARE WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK)
After that very dramatic episode my mom went home, I think we needed a break lol, we are VERY close so I guess that's "normal". When Jack got home from work instead of telling him about the argument with my mom I just used him as my emotional punching bag...not right, not fair I know but I seriously was a freaking emotional wreck and sometimes when you're too far into "crazy" you just have to let the crazy out (or maybe that's just me). Jesus, they said pregnancy and motherhood brings out all the honesty because NO FUCKS ARE GIVEN but I have straight diarrhea of the mouth (or fingers since I'm typing). The rest of the weekend was very nice; my girlfriend was SUPER helpful and supportive, she helped me off the edge and told me that the emotions are normal..."hello you just had a baby, that is a huge deal".
That support from a fellow mom was very comforting; lucky for me I have quite a few very close friends that are moms and they all offered me that same advice ("it's ok, it's normal"). The following weekend I went to a family event with one of my besties and her family and again I received the support and advice from her and other women (complete strangers) and was hit with the exact same words of wisdom "it's okay, it's normal". At that point I finally allowed myself to admit that I was emotional and overwhelmed (which is OKAY) and that holding it in wasn't healthy but nor was lashing out at my loved ones. So I sat Jack down for a conversation and apologized for my reaction but explained that I was feeling overwhelmed at times and I needed him to have patience with me. Once I became mindful of my actions/feelings and communicated what I was feeling and what I needed from him things magically got better...who would have thunk, there was a weight lifted on both of our ends! It turns out that he too was overwhelmed and emotional and talking it out made us realize that our dreams came true with Kennedy and that life is always better when we play as a team not against one another. Also, let me make it clear just because I was emotional and overwhelmed DOES NOT mean I took the blessing named Kennedy for granted nor was I ever NOT happy for one second about her (people can be very judgmental, but I'm working on not giving a shit about what people think).
In conclusion; I'm on cloud freaking 9 and so in love with my whole family but I was not prepared for the emotions that would come with this new chapter but communication with my loved ones and honesty with myself have been total game changers! It's okay to be stressed, overwhelmed, emotional, and confused people! Talk that shit out!!
