Infertility Q&A

What feels like 100 hours a second but when you blink your eyes 3 years have gone by? Give up? Infertility!

Waiting for ovulation, waiting to take a pregnancy test and again and again month after month. In my case there is the occasional positive pregnancy test followed by a miscarriage a few weeks later and then I have to wait for my cycle to start all over again. The waiting feels like FOREVER but then I look back and I can’t believe 3 years have gone by and I’m still not a mama of 2 or at least pregnant. It’s really an emotional rollercoaster, in the video below you’ll notice a whole array of emotions from just one cycle! I’ve been recording my journey since before Kennedy was born, never really sure what I was going to do with it and I actually had never played anything back. This is my first time watching and sharing the behind the scenes of trying to conceive.

I’ve documented my journey in hopes of helping other women feel less alone in their own journey and at times I’ve been a source of information for those supporting someone close to them experience a similar journey. Via IG (@jacquelinelizzette ) I posted a few “Ask Me Anything” boxes and decided to give those answers a permanent home here and so those without IG can have access.

Q: Do you know why it’s hard for you?

A: So it was always chalked up to my endometriosis. However, after my last miscarriage my OBGYN ran a ton of blood work/tests and found out that I’m prone to clotting, early miscarriages, and second trimester miscarriages. There is a bunch of medical terminology that was given but that’s the broken down version. So while it does take me quite some time to get pregnant the real problem is not being able to stay pregnant.

Q: How long before you had Kennedy? How long have you been trying now?

A: We tried for 2 years with Kennedy and I miscarried before getting pregnant with her as well.

Q: Have you considered IVF?

A: IVF is very expensive and not guaranteed so when we were trying with Kennedy I didn’t want be in debt bringing a baby into this world and I felt like I still had time. Now after my last doctor appointment I would consider some sort of fertility help, there are a few things that we can try/do before IVF some that are even covered by insurance (laws in NY changed so a bit more is covered than before, nothing was covered in the past…sucks!). I’ve also always wanted to adopt so lots of things to consider and explore.

Q: How do you feel?

A: Thank you. FYI such an important question to GENUINELY ask people. How are you? How do you feel? It goes such a long way. But don’t ask it as a space filler, ask it if you truly care to know because the answer might not always be “good. thanks.” I digressed. That answer varies DAILY! Today right now I’m okay like I’ll give it a 6 in regards to how I’m feeling about this journey. Something about not ending the year pregnant really makes me sad but then I beat myself up because hello I have a beautiful healthy family already! The thing is I don’t take my family for granted AT ALL and my being thankful for them doesn’t mean I can’t mourn the loss I’m experiencing or better yet the loss that we are experiencing as a family. I’m not trying to have another baby just for me. However, I do feel the pain differently as I’m physically going through it. But right now I’m okay/good. <3

Q: What helped you conceive Kennedy?

No stress and I stopped trying! No joke! I quit my demanding job. Moved out of the city. Stopped “trying” and just had sex to enjoy it! Then BAM!

Q: Are you on a fertility plan/treatment now?

The plan right now as discussed with my doctor is to keep trying naturally for the rest of the year (less than a month at this point). If I get pregnant AMEN!!!! The second I find out I’m pregnant I have to go in and see him and start getting progesterone shots to help me stay pregnant we will do that for the entire first trimester at least. If I am not pregnant by the new year I have to go in and we will start some fertility treatments where they’ll track my ovulation and basically turkey baster my with Jack’s sperm. Really romantic!!

Q: Did your endometriosis symptoms calm down while pregnant? Did they get better after you gave birth?

While pregnant yes or maybe they didn’t but because I was sick the entire pregnancy I didn’t feel them ha. After, NOPE…I’m like the 1% because endometriosis is really supposed to clear up after pregnancy SO THEY SAY. I actually had one of the worst flare ups ever last weekend, I hate it!! But I will say they were right about one thing, labor wasn’t that bad. Obviously it wasn’t like a spa day but I am so used to pain that I was very much at ease. Also, Jack and the nurses were literal angels!!!

Q: What helps you get through this mentally and emotionally?

Therapy, taking care of my mental health is extremely important. There can be some really hard days; the first day of my period breaks my heart every single time! So taking care of my mental and knowing how to identify feelings and handle them has been amazing. Also, communicating my feelings. Jack and my inner circle know that day 1 of my period hits hard and they’re really supportive. Exercise, my Peloton has been such a great escape for me to just have a few moments to focus on nothing but me not to mention a good sweat session just makes me feel better all around. Gratitude. I am so blessed with my little family and I really have prioritized them in a very intentional way this past year, it’s made a world of a difference.

Q: How long did you try before you went to your doctor?

A: It can take the heathy fertile couple a year to conceive naturally so before the year mark a doctor will not talk infertility. I was getting pregnant even though it would take MONTHS so I guess I always held on to some hope which is why I didn’t see a doctor until after my last miscarriage so about year since we were REALLY TRYING this go around. I also think because I have Kennedy I didn’t go sooner, I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t have Kennedy I would have been knocking on my doctors door MONTHS ago “Sir give me a damn baby”!

Q: What does “trying” mean?

A: When I say trying I mean Jack’s sperm has been checked and accounted for (REMEMBER you cannot get pregnant without sperm so men need to get checked as well, make sure the team is swimming), we are tracking my ovulation (ensuring that I’m ovulating, can’t get pregnant if you don’t ovulate), have sex while ovulating. You can’t/don’t get pregnant on during any given time you have to be ovulating so there is really such a small window of when you can get pregnant.

Q: What products/tools do you use to help?

A: Yes!

• Ovia Fertility App - You’ll log in your period dates and it will start to calculate your ovulation and expected period etc. the more months you log the more accurate it becomes. This provides a really good estimate but can’t be 100% simply because it can’t actually read your hormones.

• Ovulation Tracker - These are sticks you pee on to track your hormones and let you know when you’re ovulating or if you aren’t even ovulating. So if you were simply going off the app and having sex during expected ovulation but aren’t actually ovulating, well you won’t get pregnant. If you find out you’re not ovulating you can talk to your doctor and most likely get a prescription for a medication that will help you ovulate. This is specific to you and much more accurate than the app. I have you digital and non digital ovulation test I prefer digital, click here for my fave.

• Pre Seed Lubricant - This lubricant apparently helps sperm have a safer swim and mimics your body’s natural fertile fluids.

• Pre Natal - OBGYN’s suggest you take prenatal from when you’re trying to conceive. This one is my favorite after trying a ton and apparently it’s the easiest on your tummy once pregnant. Prenatal vitamins typically do not help nausea. The link also has a discount code.

• Natal Nourish - I take these drops from Organic Olivia’s line to help prepare my womb.

Learn to Read

When I was pregnant there were a few things I knew for sure I wanted to teach Kennedy at an early age, things like: swimming, Spanish, boundaries (don’t play that’s real), and to READ! I learned to read at an early age and fell in love with the magic of reading and now as an adult I just know the importance of reading…it is fundamental. Through reading you can learn about anything and everything you want, through reading you can travel back in time, through reading Teaching your child anything from morals to academics can be a very taunting task, I’m constantly thinking to myself “I just don’t want to mess her up” but one thing I’ve learned in my whole 3+ years of being a mom is THEY HEAR AND SEE EVERYTHING so it’s not so much a sit down lesson they need, they learn from what we do and say…not necessarily to them but in our own lives! This goes for learning to read too. There are tools that I have used on our journey that you can find here: Reading Tools Shop and some videos that are hopefully helpful for you below or here: Learn to Read Videos

THINGS TO NOTE:

• There is no one size fits all method, adjust and do what works best for you and your family.

• Every child is different. They learn different, they think different, they process different, they grow different!

• Be consistent. Read books daily. Review letters daily. Review sounds. This doesn’t have to be a sit down lesson. Point letters and sounds out as you see them in your daily life.

• Be patient and give grace, this goes for you and your child.

• Make it fun. Think about your favorite teacher, favorite class, favorite subject. Chances are you didn’t love the class with the mean or boring teacher. At this age learning is play based.

• Read! Read your kid books as often as you can. When reading ask questions about things in the book. Example: What color are Sam’s boots? Do you see the sun here? What else do you see?

• I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL…this is what worked for us or works for us now (you’ll also see that I had to adjust when teaching Kennedy).

LET’S READ:

1. Letter Recognition. We started this from very early on. You know those my first abc board books (it’s in every baby library) they come in all shapes, sizes, and themes. We read that to Kennedy, long before she was ready to even talk. Once we started bath time (she was 15 months when we moved to our apartment with a tub) we purchased foam letters to use in the tub. We would pull a letter from the water say it to her and stick it on the wall throughout her bath and also just let her play with them. Also, educational programs - Elmo was Kennedy’s personal tutor, thank you Sesame Street! We thought Kennedy was too young for all of our letter talk because she appeared to be straight up ignoring up then one day on her own she started pulling her foam letters and reading them off to us!!! CONSISTENCY! THEY HEAR EVERYTHING!

2. Sound Recognition. Once Kennedy recognized all of the letters we started with letter sounds. We did this with a mix of flash cards, abc books, and songs. “A is for Apple” it started with words so it was easier to grasp then once she got a hold of that we dove into just the letter sound “B b-b-b B”. One of the best tools we had for this step was a speak and listen phone (linked below) this made it FUN for Kennedy and really allowed her to hear herself and the sound. Songs were great too for us because Kennedy loves a good jam session and can hear any given song approximately 4,000 times…REMEMBER CONSISTENCY, ha! Leap Frog’s “Letter Factory” is great for sounds I’ve linked it below but you can also find it on Netflix…do not be afraid of educational screen! This is also where you can turn to the 4 Weeks to Read Program (discount link below) either to start learning sounds or once they know the sounds, either works. This program made it fun and easy to both teach and learn, I was VERY impressed.

3. Blending. For us this was the most challenging and frustrating parts. So for this part I stress PATIENCE. ADJUSTING. GRACE. INNOVATION. REWARDS (many chocolate chips were consumed in the early days). FUN. Blending is when you start combining sounds aka BLENDING. We learned all consonants and short vowels (ex. a as in apple not APE, e as in elephant not FEET) then we started blending with easy three letter words one short vowel at a time (ex. SAM, CAT, BAT, MAP). Per usual I turned to screen time for some reiteration that didn’t feel like “learning”, I would search Youtube for “short vowel blending” and find clips that best suited us (Preschool Prep and Leap Frog were favorites). This was the longest lesson and it’s continuous (it’s reading) but it takes time and practice, my main goal was to build her confidence and find a method that worked best for her. The 4 Weeks to Read program helped tremendously with this.

4. Reading. This is when it gets exciting!!! Once Kennedy got a grasp on blending I wanted her to feel good and show her the fruits of her labor…READING. At this point I ventured away from the 4 Weeks to Read program (remember you have to adjust to what works best), Kennedy needed more of a “story” so the one word per page books weren’t going to cut it for us that’s when I purchased Bob Books (link below) and it’s been great! The first set of books focus on those short vowels while telling a story which was great motivation for Kennedy. In addition to the short vowels they do include a few sight words so I pulled out sight word flash cards (linked below). Sight words are basically words we memorize, so they’re not sounding them out like other words.

LINKS: READING TOOLS SHOP

I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions at all please comment below in case others have the same question or reach out to me directly. Happy Reading!

Recovery

"I just had a baby" ten months in and I still use that line, normal? No clue but I truly feel like I just had a baby and not just in the "she's my baby forever" way or "it feels like just yesterday" way but in the "I still have no freaking clue what I"m doing" way! My doctor warned me after delivery "you'll never figure it out, so don't try...you'll drive yourself insane", well ain't that the truth! And while I have let go (mostly) trying to figure it out I still feel clueless (that's different right?). Now let me give myself some credit, there are quite a few things I have figured out and feel like such a boss  doing (I do some really adult shit now, it's kind of a big deal).

Well that there was the preface to this post, you know like that random intro chapter (aka preface) in books that plays no real part. You're welcome. Now on to the real reason I popped on over here to write: my recovery. My recovery from pregnancy, from birth, learning how to parent, learning how to be a good partner while being a good mom, in short:                                                                                                   MY POSTPARTUM RECOVERY!

I was very transparent about the struggles I dealt with internally postpartum, the initial reason for my transparency was therapy but then I realized how many others were going through it and thought they were alone or felt ashamed to talk about it...F THAT...we are gonna talk this out!!! As much as I try to hold on to the positive feedback I received and the amazing connections I created with other women, I can't quite forget some of the "you signed up for this", "motherhood is the most difficult but rewarding job", or "you should be thankful you were blessed with a child"...GIRL(S) BYE!! What I was feeling had nothing to do with my daughter, I Jacqueline Solivan was struggling, confused, hurting at times and at times in such a deep dark unknown and unexplainable place. I really beat myself up about getting into these dark places because I had so so much to be thankful for and I would get so frustrated because I couldn't explain it, not to myself or anyone else for that matter which made it much harder to "fix". It was very hard on my relationships as well, mainly my relationship with Jack...unfortunately, he was my punching bag yet my biggest support because only he saw the daily struggles and still stood by side when I'm sure I was making it more then easy to walk (actually sprint) away. 

Even though I was very open about my journey (more so in the beginning) I realized nobody (other than Jack) knew the struggle I was enduring but I think that's because I didn't realize I was still going through it, it became my norm (SCARY!!).  I pretty much always had a smile on my face the second I stepped foot outside; again I was so happy with my little family but also I was subconciously putting on a show..."if I put this smile on, nobody will notice"; I didn't want to deal with the back lash and the "look at your beautiful family, you're so lucky...how can you be unhappy, you're crazy!" and I didn't have an explanation, I was lost in my own feelings. However, finally ten months later I finally feel dare I say "normal"!! I don't know what the hell happened; I don't know if my hormones finally got their shit together, I don't know if my apologizing for being a royal asshole was the "magic word" but I feel better...finally! I feel like myself but even better because dude I have this phenomenal family and support system who despite it all has stood by my side day in and day out! In sharing this beautiful moment with two of my best friends they encouraged me to share my story because they have never heard of THIS SIDE in depth, they've read that hormones are wacky for about a year but they had no clue just how wacky and life changing they could be. It was their genuine interest and shock that reminded me how freaking taboo this topic is and how many women are ashamed to feel their feels because they're met with a "you should be thankful".  This journey is no joke and heck yeah it is by far the most beautiful and phenomenal chapter of my life but it was/is also the most emotionally, mentally, and physically taxing! And I get it everyone is different so not all women suffer like I did, some worse, some hardly notice, and some handle it completely different. But let's not pretend this isn't part of the phenomenon that is creating life and/or discredit the dark place that some women fall into after giving birth. Let's listen, let's support, let's erase the taboo so that women can better deal with THIS PART. 

It was a scary place and time but I made it and now I can enjoy my blessings without the distraction, thank you universe!! Let the happy tears flow!!!

Family Portrait

I've been a bit MIA, just being more in the moment with my family and focusing on what is really important. I have been dying to get family photos taken since Kennedy was born and 8 months later it finally happened, not too shabby! We were fortunate enough to connect with the amazing husband + wife duo of Young Love Media (Jimmy + Dani) here in our little town of Cold Spring, NY and they captured some stunning moments of our family. They were absolutely amazing to work with and these photos will stand as a constant reminder that even when my world seems chaotic and overwhelming, life is in fact really freaking amazing and in the words of Jack "look how happy our baby is, we are doing good."!

Here are some pictures!